This article appeared in the
Glendale News-Press on
Maybe it’s me,
but I wish people
would be more careful what they display on their cars.
After all, some of us might have to explain
it to our kids.
There I was, just driving along, when I saw
it in front of me. “It” was one of those
license plate frames bearing a catchy phrase.
I pulled a little closer so that I could read it, and of course it was
one of those that starts out “If you can read this…………” So, right away, I understood that the message
was to put more space between us. What I
didn’t understand was how this person could drive around carrying the rest of
the message. It read “If you can read
this, YOUR TOO F---ING CLOSE.” Except
that this plate frame didn’t use those innocuous little dashes like I did. It spelled the word out, in all it’s glorious, capitalized crudeness.
I was momentarily stunned. I reflected on this fascinating display. The kids weren’t with me, but I imagined myself
trying to explain this little phenomenon…………
The nine-year old’s
eyes would be huge, the proverbial saucers, if you will. The eleven-year old would ask, “Mother, is it
really okay to have such a thing on one’s car?”
And I, recognizing this as a supremely
teachable moment, would reply sagely, “Of course not, dear, the plate frame is
completely wrong, and I’m glad you’re aware of it. I mean, just look at it. They’ve used the possessive adjective YOUR
instead of the contraction YOU’RE.
The children would play into my hands; one
of them would ask, “Whatever do you mean, Mother?”
“Well, my cherubs, anyone who has managed
to secure a driver’s license ought to read well enough to know that this is
wrong. The plate frame message is
obviously trying to tell the next driver “YOU ARE too close”, in which case the
contraction YOU’RE is appropriate, not the possessive adjective YOUR. Honestly, if one must be a foul-mouthed jerk,
one should at least use correct grammar, now shouldn’t one?”
The children would say, “You’re right,
Mother. What a proper idiot that person
must be.”
And we would all continue on our merry way,
having much improved our lives through this edifying conversation. Or like, you know,
whatever.
Now, even though I have used the words “jerk”
and “idiot” in the preceding imaginary conversation, I really don’t mean to
pick on the car owner here. Well, ok,
yes, I do. A little,
but not too much, because I don’t want him to come after me. By the way, I do realize that it’s wrong of
me to pull a sexist attitude and just assume this plate frame belongs to a
man. However, in the interest of not
filling my column with the distracting “he/she” trick,
I’m going to go ahead and, well, assume it’s a man.
Actually, I can excuse the car owner for this
dramatic error exhibition, to some extent.
He was probably just SO excited to find a license plate frame that
stated his thoughts in precisely the right words, that maybe he didn’t (contraction
of DID and NOT) read it carefully. We
can perhaps forgive him for missing the little problem with the spelling.
But who manufactured this little gem? And who is doing the marketing? Did not one of the people involved make it
out of elementary school? (pretty rich coming from someone who just started two sentences
with conjunctions, I know) How many car
shops have these little beauties hanging on the wall, ready to snag the
unsuspecting of the oh-so-articulate segment of the driving population? Has no one noticed that there is a problem
with these license plate frames?
I think they should all be returned to the
manufacturer. It would make the world a
better, more grammatically correct place to be.
But maybe that’s just me.