Testing Negative for Foibles

Maybe it’s me,

but it’s possible that I have been unfair to my family in some of these articles. Perhaps it has been unkind of me to wax humorous about their many foibles. It may have been unwise to make such sport of my husband.

Nah, I didn’t think so.

Lest we forget, what did my beloved spouse say when I first started writing for the newspaper? – “Well, as long as you get paid for it, then I can take it.” Doesn’t that sound like a blanket statement covering pretty much anything?

Still, I do check with him on some things. Like a couple of weeks ago, when I wrote about how he couldn’t remember dates, I asked him if he was offended. He thought about it, and then he said “No. But it would be good if you checked with me BEFORE it appeared in the paper.”

My kids are okay with being mentioned, at least mostly, since I don’t use their names. However, due to the picture printed with the column, they have asked me not to appear with them in public, just in case someone makes the connection. Frankly, I was offended by this request. I’m just so much better-looking than this photo; I’m sure no one would recognize me on the street. When I explained this to them, they said something like “Um, yeah, right. Ok, Mom, if you say so. Please, just stay far away.”

Still, I thought it was time to pick on somebody my own size. Since I fit that description perfectly, I sat down to write about my own idiosyncrasies – the things about me that just might possibly be annoying to others.

I prepared myself to write. I had freshly sharpened pencils and a couple of pens – different colors – and several sheets of paper. But nothing came to me. I started to doodle, thinking that would lead into some writing. After a while, I had drawn out the blueprints for a second bathroom, done to scale, but still had no ideas for an article making fun of myself.

I decided that I had better do some research. I asked my husband what I do that bugs him. He looked at me like I had lost my mind, and said in a more-than-somewhat-sarcastic tone, “Oh, nothing at all, dear. You’re perfect.”

I said, “No, really. I must do SOMETHING that bothers you. Tell me, and I’ll write about it. I always pick on you; it’s my turn now. I should try to write about my own foibles.”

“No way,” he replied. “And how did you get foibles? Are they contagious?”

I tried again, “Really, it’s ok. Consider this a journalistic interview, and you can say whatever you want. No consequences.”

He burst out laughing. “Do I look stupid?” he asked, and walked out of the room.

I was back at square one. I figured I would try talking to the kids. They might be a little more forthcoming. And they might be a little more gullible about that no consequences thing.

I started with our youngest son, who explained how annoying it is that I want the house to be clean. Well, I suppose it does annoy him, but I really think that trying to stay one level above being reported to the Health Department is more of an maternal obligation than a personal eccentricity.

The three-year old told me that I bug her when she’s watching TV, “especiawy” when I tell her to turn it off. Once again, I’m not sure this qualifies as a fault; it’s actually my job.

I turned to our oldest daughter. As an almost-teen, surely she would have something that I could ridicule in print. Her contribution: when she tells me that I’m mean to her, I don’t react appropriately. Rather than tell her, “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” I say things like, “I try.” Or, “Good to know it’s working.”

Well, I can see how that bugs her, but I’m not really sure it’s any kind of character defect on my part. In fact, it’s probably a character asset, because it allows me to cope with her pre-teen whining without choking her.

I didn’t bother to continue the research. You can’t say that I didn’t try to find something; it’s just that nobody came up with anything valid. Clearly, the evidence shows that my character is pretty much unassailable when searching for make-fun-of-able stuff. Well, that much is clear to me anyway.