I love the weather updates, especially the feature that shows me the week’s forecast. 

I am much better informed now about all the latest important developments in the world, like Tiger Woods’ rehab, Brangelina’s non-breakup, and the latest “used to be a celebrity” or relative thereof who has had a run in with the law.  With a twitch of the mouse, I can read the whole story and be “in the know.” 

I am entranced by the slideshow of family photos.  I can just sit and watch for hours - I often do - reliving those moments when the children were smaller, and so was I.

All this is very entertaining, and seems almost necessary.  However, as I am not the queen, nor even the court jester of self-discipline, it’s easy to see why I’m not getting any work done!

My theory:  it could be part of a plan to induce population control. 

Inside this fancy envelope wasn’t just a letter, but a “Direct Contact Letter” about me winning the $2,100,00 prize.  Yippee!  As I read my Direct Contact Letter, however, I realized that nowhere did it say I had actually won the money.  It was full of statements that implied my winning, but all it really said was that I would now be “On Record as ‘Receiver’ of Prize Identification data now Confirmed.”   

I was feeling mighty peeved and deceived about the whole thing, until I noticed the capital C in “Confirmed”.  Then, when I read that this wasn’t just any old letter, but a “Real and Actual Notice,” I felt much better.  I mean, if they’re using capital letters AND underlining words, then it must be for real, right?  That’s when I noticed the letterhead. 

At the top of my “Real and Actual Notice”, was the following address:  “direct contact - main building.  headquarters building in some city, some state.”    Really.  I am not making this up. 

Maybe it was that address that made me decide NOT to send my $14.98 proceduring fee, or maybe it was the fact that they called it a “proceduring” fee.  Either way, I wasn’t falling for that old trick; I know better than to send money to try and win money.  At least not to a company located in “some city” of “some state” that makes up words and misuses capital letters.  Maybe if they had an actual address.  Or used proper English….. 

Ah, hope springs eternal.  Or maybe I’m an idiot.  I’m going with the hope thing, but maybe that’s just me….. being a sucker.

Yep, I really did.  I wrote the company’s address on my “to do immediately” list, and of course that’s as far as it went.  Good thing I didn’t write to them, though, or I wouldn’t have gotten my next mailer from the Sweepstakes Clearinghouse Department of Notifications - with 6 checks for $400.00.  Woohoo!  Clearly, I had been hasty in labeling the whole thing a scam.  I would enjoy the $2,400, and readjust my outlook on life and prize letters.  From now on, I would live each new day in the hope of promising mail offers.  

As I worked into my new attitude, I began to wonder why they sent six separate checks.  Looking more closely, I saw that each check was marked “not a check”.  Huh???

These were credit vouchers, and could only be used to purchase the items shown on the enclosed brochure.  Such as a $779.95 laptop that would leave me with a remaining balance of $379.95, payable by check or credit card, or by using their convenient lay-away plan.  All this was explained in the “Official Directive”, otherwise known as a “letter”, in which J. Johnston of the Sweepstakes Clearinghouse Department of Notifications expressed that he was extremely happy to pass on this wonderful news.

Well, I would be extremely happy not to buy anything from his dumb old Sweepstakes Clearinghouse Whatever, so there.  How stupid did these people think I was?  (That is a rhetorical question, btw)  My next new attitude was going to be cold and impervious to all mail offers and salespeople.  It wouldn’t be long before I got to try out this new attitude; tune in next week for the fourth and final (yes, there is a God) installment of me not being such a complete fool after all.